This TOTALly sucks.

Those of you that have the pleasure of dealing with my bitching in your daily lives may disregard the following ('cuz I'm sure you've heard it all already).

Ahem. TOTAL DELIVERY SYSTEMS can eat my ass.

Here's why:

As most of you know, I like to shop on the Internet. This year, as usual, I ordered the vast majority of Christmas gifts I intend to give from various websites. Usually nothing ever goes wrong. Usually. Check this out:

Dec 9th: I place an order at a website (let's say "XYZ.com") for gifts for at least 5 different people.

Dec 13th: I come home from work and get handed a "Sorry we missed you/first delivery attempt" tag addressed to someone named Chris Baird that was found hanging on my landlord's doorknob. The tag is dated Dec 14th. That's cool -- except for the "Baird" thing. I call the delivery company -- TOTAL -- and they say it'll be dropped off tomorrow (the actual 14th.). Hmm, I won't be home. No problem, I'm told, just sign the release on the tag, and the driver will leave it by your door. I do just that.

Dec 14th: I come home from my 1 pm exam. No package. The tag still hangs from my landlord's door. Weird. Nobody knocks for the rest of the day.

Dec 15th: I come home from work. No package. The tag *still* hangs from my landlord's door. WTF? I check my email -- XYZ.com has provided me with a link to UPS's tracking page for my box. I click it just to see what it says about my box. "Delivered Dec 14th, 11 a.m." Oh really. So I call TOTAL, and very nicely ask where my package is. The girl there responded that it showed as being delivered, and that the driver had released it. Uh huh, so why do I still have the tag, and what signature did the driver get if no one was home, you futchtard? (Ed. note -- emphasis added.) Hmmm, the driver was new, she says. He might not have known to take the tag. Right, so my box was simply stolen from my doorstep (on a suburban cul-de-sac, no less) after your driver sneakily dropped it off WHILE PEOPLE WERE HOME, and coincidentally didn't take the release tag? Hmm, she says, I'll have someone check the warehouse, and I'll call the driver. Thanks.
She calls back ten minutes later. Umm, the driver doesn't remember. BIG EFFING SURPRISE. Please find my box.

Dec 16: While I'm getting ready for work in the morning, TOTAL leaves a mesage on my phone. Uhh, Mr. Baird, we have a package for you and we'll be bringing it by this morning -- we sure hope you're home. I won't be. Cari won't be. Peter won't be. I try to call them back to have them either deliver it to me at work, or to make sure and leave the package at the house, and bill me the COD. But, NO ANSWER! This is mere minutes after they called me! Sigh. I re-hang the tag on the landlord's door, and try to call again. No answer.
5 p.m., I come home from work. No package. The tag hangs from my landlord's door. Sighsighsigh. I try to call TOTAL. No answer.

Dec 17: Rant gets posted in blog.

Here's the best part -- assuming my package hasn't been lost again, and those monkies are even mildy apt at their jobs, the box should come to my door again. But guess who works Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday?

H8.